THERE IS NO DOG.

Welcome to "There Is No Dog". This is where I uncork my ears and pour wine into your eyes.


Monday, August 24, 2009

MOST BORING SUPERHERO MOVIE PREMISE EVER!!!

Pitch for the most boring superhero movie ever:

A delivery boy finds out he has the power to scrape pizza dough pans AND WIPE THEM faster than anyone else in the world. He joins up with a washed-up coach who signs him up for a global dough pan scraping competition. The only problem is that it's a tag-team competition and someone else would be wiping the pans after he scrapes them.

Why is this a problem? Our hero's powers only work in conjunction with each other, so he has to scrape AND WIPE THEM otherwise he can only scrape OR wipe them as fast as your average man.

Meanwhile, his wife wants to buy a new car, but he wants to save up the money to buy a new car NEXT YEAR. But...


SHE...


WON'T.......









STOP..............










........












.....INSISTING!!!


(Beginning cords to Eminem's "Lose Yourself" begin to play)

"Look...

If you had...

ONE SHOT..."

Fox Searchlight Pictures...
In association with Sony Bono Entertainment...
Present a story about courage...


-Pizza Boy: "I don't we can afford it right now honey."

-Pizza Wife: "ARE YOU AFRAID OF SPENDING THE DOUGH...OR ARE YOU AFRAID OF GETTING 'SPENT' IN THE DOUGH COMPETITION?"

-Pizza Boy: "I'm afraid of losing EVERYTHING I LOVE!!"


A story about retribution...


-Pizza Coach: "You have to scrape those pans!"

-Pizza Boy: "I can only scrape pans if I wipe them afterwards!"

-Pizza Coach: "That's fucking retarded!"


A story about reaching the stars...


-Pizza Coach: "Why don't you just scrape the pans with the INTENTION of wiping them afterward, but then you just like don't?"

-Pizza Boy: "..."


LOSE YOURSELF
IN THE MUSIC
THE MOMENT
YOU BETTER NEVER LET IT GO YOU ONLY GET
ONE SHOT!!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

HIIIIIIIIGHWAAAAAAYTOOOOOOTHEEEEEEE DANGER ZONE!!!

Maggie Gyllenhaal

GONNA TAKE YOU RIGHT INTO THE DANGER ZONE!!!

Gary Oldman

HIGH WAY TO THE DANGER ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!

From the director of "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"...



"Pan Scraping is Hard to Do"



Rated R.