THERE IS NO DOG.

Welcome to "There Is No Dog". This is where I uncork my ears and pour wine into your eyes.


Friday, December 3, 2010

Witsend.

Anti-Chrysler brings forth black friday sales on new exoskeletons for children from brands like Matel and Fischer-Price; seven disc special edition collector's box set of "Smokin' Aces III: Kimpossible Mission!" with 18 hundred hours of bonus footage and commentary from Gus Van Sant, Seth Green, Neil Patrick Harris, Norm MacDonald, Sir Ian McKellen, and Kaitlin Olsen (aka Dee Reynolds from FX's "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"); "Who you gonna call?" Finally, and for the first time on Laser-Disc, the complete collection of Dan Marino's Sun-Pontiac, Tampa infomercials with special guest commentary from Joel and Ethan Coen, Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, Juilane Moore, John Tuttoro, and the GEICO Cavemen!

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Just released from the Disney vault and only available on months with "R's" in them, the all new LEGO Diet Snapple Large Hadron Collider toy set with guest LEGO bricks designed by Issac Brock of "Modest Mouse", Jake Gyllenhall, the Challenger disaster, genocide, Cuba Gooding Jr, the dancing Janet Renos, Reptar, William "William" Shakespeare, Thom Yorke of "Radiohead", and more! Plus, a coupon for 20% off new "Doritos: Challenger Disaster" tortilla chip flasks!; Hundreds dead in terrorist attack on Jeff Dunham's rape room Family Guy Hadron Collider Issac Brock of "Modest Mouse"

SEARS TOWER BE THE MONOLITH TO OUR BEASTLY SORROWS!

Doctor! Doctor! Give me the news! I've got a bad case of "NOW! That's what I call Dubstep Vol. 16" featuring dubstep remixes of "Good Vibrations", "Age of Aquarius/Let The Sun Shine", "15 Step", "Accidentally in Love (Theme from 'Shrek 2')", "Pon de Floor", "Umbrella", "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Silver Hammer", "The Challenger Disaster", "Wonderwall", and "Two Princes (Theme from 'Donnie Darko')"!

SEVEN SWANS ASSIMILATING! SIX GEESE APPROPRIATING! FIVE GOLDEN PIRACY RAIDS! FOUR COLUMBINES! THREE FRANTIC HALLELUJAHS! TWO-FOR-ONE DRINKS! RUPERT MURDOCH!

Five-Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six-Hundred poxes upon your house today only at participating Walm*Art Salvation Centers! Use the coupon Santa-Code "HOPELESS" online at walmart.edu/2012/geico/skynet/kimpossible.htm and click on Robo-Mohammad's Deal-of-the-Day!; Now get APR Financing on your Snapple RaceCard! Just go to snapple.org/newworldorder/ronppaul08/challengerdisaster.org and click on Jeff Dunham's Door-Buster Diety-Acceptance button (if you need help, click on the Office 2007 Paperclip) and he'll lead you to the ninth level of Dante's Hell! Deal only available while overestimated, call 1-800-BAN-4LOKO and ask for Austin Powers!

WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT STUPID HUMAN SUIT?

"Extreme Makeover: Rock of Love" premieres tonight after "For the Love of Ray J ON DECK!" this Thursday on IFC!; Tonight on Conan: Lee Harvey Oswald with all-child KORN tribute band CHILD KORN!; FREE WATCH CHAINS IN EXCHANGE FOR EVERY ONE-GALLON BAG OF YOUR OWN HAIR!; FREE DESIGNER COMBS WITH THE EXCHANGE OF POCKETWATCH!

ZEITGEIST CAVEMEN, WE GIVE BLOOD SACRIFICE TO YOUR OBLIVION BUTTERFLY KISSES!

*takes his zoloft*

Who wants to get drunk tonight?

~Kip

Monday, May 10, 2010

woahguyswoah - Kip Dissects a Song Volume I

Woah, guys. Woah. Have you heard this fucking "Wonderwall" song by Broasis? I have. It would be weird if I asked you that and I hadn't. LET'S FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT.

Woah guys this fucking song is about a guy who sings a song about being in love with a girl. He uses to word "wonder" and he also uses the word "wall" and puts them together into a wall of wonder, a "wonder wall" if you will. But he's singing as if the wonderwall is a woman, because womens like to be called things that sound pretty even though they don't really mean anything.

Anyway, I'm veering off somewhere, so let's get back to the song at hand. Wonderwall is probably Broasises's's best-known song. In fact, it is the only song they have ever recorded. And I'm sure you alt duders and you indie peepzies are waiting for me to trash this song for being shitty. Well, I'm not going to do that. Because what you fail to realize is that this song is brilliant. It is literally one of the most well-crafted songs I've ever heard, and you should consider yourselves lucky for having had the chance to hear it.

Now, don't get me wrong, the song is fucking horrible. Every time I hear it I turn the channel, but that's only because a) I'm a man, and b) I don't like music that is not good. But I am CONFLICTED! Because part of me is having fun listening to it (FUNFLICTED!) That part of me is my feminine side, and we all have one. My feminine side sports a boner (FUNBONER!) every time it comes on. Yes, my feminine side has a boner. It's less of a woman and more of a gender-confused dude who likes shitty music. I AM NOT A GENDER CONFUSED DUDE, but my feminine side is. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh yes, gender confusion. Well, when a man has-wait a minute, we weren't talking about gender confusion at all. We were talking about WONDERWALL (FUNDERWALL!). Anyway, the song fucking sucks and is terrible in all aspects of being a song. But in being a love song, it is perfect. Like, it's a fucking FLAWLESS love song. It is an amalgam of every hackneyed phrase and romantic notion this dude had at his disposal, which he assembled like fucking Thor using his hammer to build the great wall of Valhala (AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know anything about Thor. I just assume that he uses his hammer to build things, probably, although upon thinking about it, he probably doesn't use it for that at all). These were then assembled into lyrics, using pretty words that don't actually mean aything. Then, he was like, "OH FUCK, I GOTTA LEARN HOW TO PLAY GUITAR BEFORE THE BIG TALENT SHOW!"

But then he met a black african-american blues musician by the name of Slap Pappy Jones, who taught him that in order to "get pussy" all he needed to know were "three fucking cords" and "that's seriously it dude" and "can I have money for the bus fair to the library" and "well, do you know anyone else I could ask?"

And so with the knowledge of three chords and the most intricate-yet-simplistically constructed lyrics of all time, he played at the talent show to the sound of vaginas applauding with a roaring, frightening growl. He may have only come in third place, but that day he had sex with every single girl in the school. But Broasis (I'm referring to him as one single person now) knew that he couldn't keep this pied piper of pussy's hypnotic wonderwall of a song to himself. No, he needed to share it with the people who deserved it most: guys with Jeeps.

And so, he toured the college route, playing his song, having sex with freshmen, and placing xeroxed copies of the guitar tabs in the window of every Jeep in the parking lot. After all, with great power comes great responsibility, and Broasis certainly had a great power in him.

Anyway, I don't like the song "Wonderwall" by Oasis.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Fun? FUN?!! FUCKING FUN IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING SAYING?!!! You know, fun. Fun.

Hey, has anyone tried this Omegle thing? Oh man, I am hooked! You're paired with an anonymous person and they're all like "asl” and you're all like "21, male, usa" and they're all like "Your conversational partner has disconnected because your genitalia have the same function and mannerisms".

I like to sign on and tell people that I am "Guilt" manifested. I'll say silly and fun things like "morality is subjective" and "it's impossible to know anyone because we're all putting up a facade to deflect true connection because we're content in being miserable" and "we're all so close to the breaking point of sanity that giving in to all sadist, hedonist desires we harbor would destroy our shell but maybe save our souls" and other rib-ticklers like "there is no God, why the fuck would there be and why would he have compassion?" and "that resisting the urge to end our lives and fighting our inevitable death is just letting the cosmic joker have his laugh."

I find doing this to be good, lighthearted fun like we used to know back when we were kids. Oh boy, remember being kids? I mean the good parts, not the parts we repress deep within us that simmer and boil until the steam rises to the surface as mental illness in our later years. Man, being a kid was great. Always getting into trouble, making fun of gay people, wanting to have sex with ALL THE BOOBS IN THE WORLD.

But now we're adults and fun is harder to come by. After all, appearances are everything and appearing fulfilled is better than being happy, according to our television overlords who so graciously allow us the privilege of living vicariously through them.

What is fun? Is it a rock? Is it a boa constrictor? Is it a flan? Is it still fun if someone gets hurt but the person who gets hurt is a racist?

Fun happens by accident. Real fun, that is. You can induce artificial fun with sugar and adderol. You can turn the shower really really cold for a few seconds then turn it back to the numbing heat you need to simulate the touch of another passenger here on spaceship earth, and be like "Brrr! That was fun!" But real fun happens only a few times a year. Well, that's if you're aware of the hopelessness and bleaknessness of life outside your Family Guy DVD box set. Otherwise your whole life is probably fun. How many of your friends can do the voice of the pedophile who whistles his "s" noises? I bet they can't do it as well as your friend who goes by his last name!

Ex; Here's when fun happens: as it happens, funny? Y/N, nufs? Nep. Pah... 'Tis a "snep". Pah! Nu'F'n. Eh, W? Se, re, hXe.

Another time fun happens is when you are watching fireworks on the beach in the rain with your babe and she's all like, "Babe, I wish it was raining so we could kiss in the rain." And you say, "Babe, today's your lucky day babe: It's raining already babe! We did it, babe! This is what they told us about babe! This was what was written in prophesy babe! This is life, and it's happening IN THE RAIN BABE! Kiss me you fool!" and then you mack on each other.

You might resent fun for not being around all the time. Fun is hard to come by. Running into fun is about as likely as running into someone you went to high school with at a Walme-Arte in your home town. It's not all that weird, but it doesn't happen all the time and it usually doesn't and it's always uncomfortable so you try to end it fast. Fun might resent YOU because it's hard to come by YOU. That's some vice-versa shit, and it was uncalled for and I apologize. That vice-versa shit can really bring a babe down, especially if you're in the middle of macking on her. The point is, Fun wishes it could stay in touch with you, but it's friendship with you is only at the point of leaving a birthday message on your wall, and it thinks you'd think it was weird if it just left you a comment on your status out of the blue.

Fun is that Facebook thing I just said. Or something else, I don't know. Haven't you realized I'm talking out of my heart? The ass has more to say and says it without bullshit self-loathing symbolism.