Welcome to "There Is No Dog". This is where I uncork my ears and pour wine into your eyes.

Monday, May 10, 2010

woahguyswoah - Kip Dissects a Song Volume I

Woah, guys. Woah. Have you heard this fucking "Wonderwall" song by Broasis? I have. It would be weird if I asked you that and I hadn't. LET'S FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT.

Woah guys this fucking song is about a guy who sings a song about being in love with a girl. He uses to word "wonder" and he also uses the word "wall" and puts them together into a wall of wonder, a "wonder wall" if you will. But he's singing as if the wonderwall is a woman, because womens like to be called things that sound pretty even though they don't really mean anything.

Anyway, I'm veering off somewhere, so let's get back to the song at hand. Wonderwall is probably Broasises's's best-known song. In fact, it is the only song they have ever recorded. And I'm sure you alt duders and you indie peepzies are waiting for me to trash this song for being shitty. Well, I'm not going to do that. Because what you fail to realize is that this song is brilliant. It is literally one of the most well-crafted songs I've ever heard, and you should consider yourselves lucky for having had the chance to hear it.

Now, don't get me wrong, the song is fucking horrible. Every time I hear it I turn the channel, but that's only because a) I'm a man, and b) I don't like music that is not good. But I am CONFLICTED! Because part of me is having fun listening to it (FUNFLICTED!) That part of me is my feminine side, and we all have one. My feminine side sports a boner (FUNBONER!) every time it comes on. Yes, my feminine side has a boner. It's less of a woman and more of a gender-confused dude who likes shitty music. I AM NOT A GENDER CONFUSED DUDE, but my feminine side is. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh yes, gender confusion. Well, when a man has-wait a minute, we weren't talking about gender confusion at all. We were talking about WONDERWALL (FUNDERWALL!). Anyway, the song fucking sucks and is terrible in all aspects of being a song. But in being a love song, it is perfect. Like, it's a fucking FLAWLESS love song. It is an amalgam of every hackneyed phrase and romantic notion this dude had at his disposal, which he assembled like fucking Thor using his hammer to build the great wall of Valhala (AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know anything about Thor. I just assume that he uses his hammer to build things, probably, although upon thinking about it, he probably doesn't use it for that at all). These were then assembled into lyrics, using pretty words that don't actually mean aything. Then, he was like, "OH FUCK, I GOTTA LEARN HOW TO PLAY GUITAR BEFORE THE BIG TALENT SHOW!"

But then he met a black african-american blues musician by the name of Slap Pappy Jones, who taught him that in order to "get pussy" all he needed to know were "three fucking cords" and "that's seriously it dude" and "can I have money for the bus fair to the library" and "well, do you know anyone else I could ask?"

And so with the knowledge of three chords and the most intricate-yet-simplistically constructed lyrics of all time, he played at the talent show to the sound of vaginas applauding with a roaring, frightening growl. He may have only come in third place, but that day he had sex with every single girl in the school. But Broasis (I'm referring to him as one single person now) knew that he couldn't keep this pied piper of pussy's hypnotic wonderwall of a song to himself. No, he needed to share it with the people who deserved it most: guys with Jeeps.

And so, he toured the college route, playing his song, having sex with freshmen, and placing xeroxed copies of the guitar tabs in the window of every Jeep in the parking lot. After all, with great power comes great responsibility, and Broasis certainly had a great power in him.

Anyway, I don't like the song "Wonderwall" by Oasis.