THERE IS NO DOG.

Welcome to "There Is No Dog". This is where I uncork my ears and pour wine into your eyes.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Trailer Songs

I recently realized that figuring out if an upcoming film will be good, bad, or something else entirely can be determined by the song they choose to play in the trailer. For instance:


"The Passenger" by Iggy Pop - this year's Oscar winner

"Lose Yourself" by Eminem - This movie will be High School Musical with Guns

"Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed - The badass black guy will look offscreen and say "Shit!" in this movie

"Who Let the Dogs Out" by the Baha Men - Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is in this movie

"Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas - A former SNL cast member will fight an asian stereotype who might be an animal, as there is a 50% chance this film will be animated. Special guest appearance by Wanda Sykes.

"I'm Walking On Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves - This movie will suck

"Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye - Hahaha, oh Eddie Murphy you truly are the next Jim Varney!

"All Star" by Smashmouth - Shrek and Alvin and the Chipmunks will have to save Christmas

Any song by The Velvet Underground - The Michael Cera character is going to have the summer he'll NEVAR 4GET

"American Badass" by Kid Rock - 50% of the audience will laugh at this trailer, then go to Urban Outfitters

"Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger - Depends on which part they use. If it's just the chorus, probably won't be that good. If it starts from "Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's comin' to get me" then this movie will become an instant cult classic and you'll say, "You've NEVER seen **** ****?!!!!!" to your friends and then get pissed off when you make them watch it and they fall asleep

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Monday, August 24, 2009

MOST BORING SUPERHERO MOVIE PREMISE EVER!!!

Pitch for the most boring superhero movie ever:

A delivery boy finds out he has the power to scrape pizza dough pans AND WIPE THEM faster than anyone else in the world. He joins up with a washed-up coach who signs him up for a global dough pan scraping competition. The only problem is that it's a tag-team competition and someone else would be wiping the pans after he scrapes them.

Why is this a problem? Our hero's powers only work in conjunction with each other, so he has to scrape AND WIPE THEM otherwise he can only scrape OR wipe them as fast as your average man.

Meanwhile, his wife wants to buy a new car, but he wants to save up the money to buy a new car NEXT YEAR. But...


SHE...


WON'T.......









STOP..............










........












.....INSISTING!!!


(Beginning cords to Eminem's "Lose Yourself" begin to play)

"Look...

If you had...

ONE SHOT..."

Fox Searchlight Pictures...
In association with Sony Bono Entertainment...
Present a story about courage...


-Pizza Boy: "I don't we can afford it right now honey."

-Pizza Wife: "ARE YOU AFRAID OF SPENDING THE DOUGH...OR ARE YOU AFRAID OF GETTING 'SPENT' IN THE DOUGH COMPETITION?"

-Pizza Boy: "I'm afraid of losing EVERYTHING I LOVE!!"


A story about retribution...


-Pizza Coach: "You have to scrape those pans!"

-Pizza Boy: "I can only scrape pans if I wipe them afterwards!"

-Pizza Coach: "That's fucking retarded!"


A story about reaching the stars...


-Pizza Coach: "Why don't you just scrape the pans with the INTENTION of wiping them afterward, but then you just like don't?"

-Pizza Boy: "..."


LOSE YOURSELF
IN THE MUSIC
THE MOMENT
YOU BETTER NEVER LET IT GO YOU ONLY GET
ONE SHOT!!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

HIIIIIIIIGHWAAAAAAYTOOOOOOTHEEEEEEE DANGER ZONE!!!

Maggie Gyllenhaal

GONNA TAKE YOU RIGHT INTO THE DANGER ZONE!!!

Gary Oldman

HIGH WAY TO THE DANGER ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!

From the director of "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"...



"Pan Scraping is Hard to Do"



Rated R.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I turned this in to my Humanties II teacher as one of our state-mandated journal responses to a work of classic literature

This is a story about Freedom, Beauty, Truth, and...

Above all things, ROCK.

I'm here to tell you a little story about Jack and Diane. Two American kids, although one's partially Italian, growing up on a treehouseboat, that is to say not a houseboat in a tree but a house in a tree that is on a boat. Growing up on top of THB, they were subject to seasickness none of us land lubbers or regular houseboaters could fathom. You see, Jack and Diane were so high up that every slight current rocked them more than a foot, and this was a constant barrage of current, because the houseboat was in a wave pool.

Jack and Diane never knew the reason why they were so sick all the time. After all, they had lived in that treehouseboatwavepool for their entire lives, and never visited anyone else's house. This was mostly due to the fact that they only knew a few other people, because they threw up a lot due to seasickness. Also, they lived on a giant flying airplane, so they knew maybe 5 of the 8 passengers, and four of them were their parents. The 5th was a stout man named Dave.

Dave had often told them about far off lands, on the ground, where people lived in boats that weren't in a wave pool, and in trees that weren't boats on planes. But Dave did a lot of peyote, so after telling the children these stories he would become violent and claim that he was Abraham Johnson, the first man to ever die.

The kids wondered though, what if there was a place like Dave and Abraham Johnson the first man ever to die claimed, where the boats road on trees, instead of vice-versa, and planes flew instead flew in wave pools? The kids decided it was better not to think of those things, because those things were gay, and threw up due to seasickness. But while they spewed their dinner, they thought of freedom, beauty, truth, and rock.

Dave, meanwhile, flew his car down to the magical world discussed, and bought more peyote.

The end.

---------------------------------------------

Should I get an A on this?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

xX8r3@k|)0\/\/nXx

Note: The first portion of this blog is presented in xXhardcoreXx as part of our cultural diversity program. We here at "There Is No Dog" appreciate all cultures and customs from our youth's many music scenes, be they punk, hardcore, emo, hipster, trendster, scenester, friendster, one fish, two fish, red fish, 8700 f154, or even good.

Episode One: A Nu Hope

*Put on xXglaSSesXx nau*

xX4@r|)(0r3Xx

xXf@r+zXx

xXs4r3k+43+41r|)Xx

xX8u++@1|)sXx

xXsu8s1|)1z3|)Xx-xX70@nXx

xX1m+43k1n|)0f61r7\/\/40\/\/0n+73+u(43r\/\/43ns43(r13sXx

*Take off xXglaSSessXx nau*

Episode Two: Hawaiian Ho-Down!!

Ska is a very interesting type of music. It must be respected. Not only must it be respected, it must be worshiped. When's the last time you sacrified a virgin to the Skaddess? She's lord over all the skas and skevens. Her voice is quite commanding, as she speaks in a mighty mighty boss-tone.

Also, fuck ska.

On a serious note, I haven't felt like myself lately. I assumed coming home for a week before Summer A would be like as it always had, where the cloud of psychosis dissipates and I'm back to myself for a bit.

That didn't happen this time.

I now have nowhere to go where my paranoia and insecurities don't follow suit.

I'm going to try going to orlando this weekend and seeing how that works for me.

Also, I'm working on a stand-up act I hope to have a rough, performance-ready cut ready for some workshopping by the end of the month at least.

Heil Jesus.

~Kip

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Now We Can See

What are you doing there Fred Durst? Why are you wearing t-shirts with Joy Division and Sonic Youth on them? You are not a musician, you are Fred Durst, promptly cease this preposterous behavior before someone gets the fallacious idea that you don't all be loving this shit right here.

L-I-M-P Bizkit is right here.

So I got the new Thermals album "Now We Can See" and this is how I feel about it.

HONEYCHILD, THIS ALBUM ISN'T "THE BODY THE BLOOD THE MACHINE," TAKE IT BACK BEFO I BEAT THE BLACK OFFA YA

Title track is catchy though.

~Kip

Friday, March 27, 2009

Disney Quest's Ironic Slogan


"Virtual" fun...

Think very closely about the literal definition of that, Disney.

~Kip

Gallery Piece

This song is incredible, please listen to it.

of Montreal - "Gallery Piece"


"I want to be your love
I want to make you cry
And sweep you off your feet

I want to hurt your pride
I want to slap your face
I want to paint your nails
I want to make you scream
I want to braid your hair
I want to kiss your friends
I want to make you laugh
I want to dress the same
I want to defend you
I want to squeeze your thighs
I want to kiss your eyelids
And corrupt your dreams

I want to crash your car
I want to scratch your cheeks
I want to make you sick
I want to sell you out
Want to expose your flaws

I want to steal your things
I want to show you off
I want to tell you lies
I want to write you books
I want to turn you on
I want to make you cum
200 times a day

I want to dry your tears
Every time you're sad
I want to be what's happening
I want to be your only friend
I only go all the way

This time I'm not pretending
I can't take the trash
Your trashy friends are spreading about us
They got like V.D. personalities
Oh girl, that's so messed up
You see that sculpture on the hill?
That's where she queered me out forever
They're monitoring my subconscious massacres, I know
Bringing it closer to the surface so it's easily pervertable

I want to be a beast
I want to make you proud
And play with your head
I want to take you out
Make you feel adored
And buy you everything
I want to hurt you bad
Make you paranoid
And say the sweetest things
I want to help you grow
And for eternity
I want to be your what's happening
What's happening"

In other news, look at this picture I found on the internets.


~Kip

He Who Is Not There



THERE IS NO DOG (Non c'รจ un Cane)
Francesco Canguillo - Synthesis of Night

CHARACTER
HE WHO IS NOT THERE
Road at night, cold, deserted.
A dog crosses the street.

CURTAIN
---------------------------------------------------

Today in Dramatic Literature, we were introduced to Futurism.

And it rules.

The play above you is a futurist play.

It inspired me to create a blog that rules even half as much as futurism, and that's just as pretentious!

SOLIEKLETZGO


A lot of authors write those six-word stories. Hemingway's is probably the most famous one:

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

LOOK AT MEEEEE! I'M HEMINGWAY! I'M SAYING A LOT BY SAYING A LITTLE AND AM AN ENORMOUS FAGGOT! MY APPROACH TO WRITING IS SIMPLISTIC AND I SUCK COCK! "A CLEAN, WELL-LIGHTED PLACE" IS AN EXISTENTIAL MASTERPIECE AND I HAVE SEX WITH MEN IN MY BUTTHOLE!

That's you. That's what you sound like, Hemingway.



Here's my take on the six-word story:

- "He spilled. She mopped. Still red."



Now here's my take on the six-word story after a few hours on the internet:

- "Tom fell down, he has vertigo."

- "Coke zero. Tastes like coke?! REVOLT!"

- "Bye, mom! Have fun... Hello, penis."

- "For sale: ugly baby, big feet." (unauthorized sequel to Hemingway's)

- "For sale: baby shoes, fuck Hemingway."

- "My real dad let me... Sucker."


<== toothpastefordinner.com

~Kip