THERE IS NO DOG.

Welcome to "There Is No Dog". This is where I uncork my ears and pour wine into your eyes.


Monday, May 2, 2011

FUCK YOU, ARNOLD FROM THE MAGIC SCHOOLBUS

"I knew I should have stayed home today!"


SHUT UP, ARNOLD, YOU'RE ON A FUCKING SCHOOLBUS DRIVING THROUGH SOME GUY'S ACTUAL TRACHEA. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE MS. FRIZZLE AS YOUR TEACHER? SHE NEVER GIVES ANY FORM OF TEST OR QUIZ OR WORK, SHE JUST MAKES YOU LEARN ABOUT PHOTOSYNTHESIS BY GOING INSIDE A PLANT OR SOME SHIT. ALSO, IT'S WEIRD THAT YOU SAY THAT EVERY DAY. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE GUESSED BY NOW THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE GOING ON A FANTASTIC ADVENTURE THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH YOUR PEERS EVERY DAY OF THE FUCKING WEEK, THAT'S A MOTIF THAT NEVER CHANGES HOW THE FUCK HAVE YOU NOT REALIZED THIS PATTERN YET? IF YOU HAVEN'T, THEN WHY DO YOU SAY THAT EVERY DAY? IT'S WEIRD, SAY SOMETHING ELSE. THE SAME SPECIFIC STATEMENT REPEATED EVERY DAY MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE SOME KIND OF AUTISTIC BITCH WHO'S UNGRATEFUL THAT HE IS RECEIVING AN EDUCATION AT ALL WITH THE ECONOMY THE WAY IT IS, AND THAT HIS MOM NEVER HAS TO SIGN A PERMISSION SLIP OR ANYTHING. GOD, SHUT UP YOU LOSER INGRATE DWEEB. I HAVEN'T USED THE WORD DWEEB SINCE THE 90S BUT YOU'RE A FUCKING DWEEB. NEXT TIME YOU SAY, "I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE STAYED HOME TODAY," WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE TOMORROW IN CONTINUING WITH YOUR WEIRD-ASS RAIN-MAN PATTERN YOU'VE DEVELOPED IN RESPONSE TO THE INEVITABLE FIELD TRIP TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH, I'M GOING TO FUCKING HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH A RAKE. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M THREATENING TO HARM AND POTENTIALLY KILL AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENT. I DON'T EVEN CARE AT THIS POINT, ARNOLD, YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT. YOU NEED TO LEARN TO ENJOY LIFE WHILE YOU HAVE THE ADVANTAGE OF YOUTH. NO, LET ME REPHRASE THAT, ENJOY LIFE WHILE YOU HAVE THE ADVANTAGE OF A MAGIC FUCKING SCHOOLBUS THAT CAN BEND THE RULES OF PHYSICS TO ITS WILL. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAS ONE OF THOSE? NO ONE ELSE IN THE FUCKING WORLD.

FUCK YOU, MS. FRIZZLE IS A GREAT TEACHER AND A TERRIFIC HUMAN BEING. MAYBE WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU'LL LEARN TO APPRECIATE THAT SOMEONE OUT THERE CARES ABOUT YOU.

LOVE,
KIP

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